


i never promised you a rose garden

by halfwayinit



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:00:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23396656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfwayinit/pseuds/halfwayinit
Summary: “I don’t want to do this anymore.”Ben never wants to hear Callum say those words again. He’ll never forgive himself for the look on Callum’s face, the pain behind his eyes as he finally unravelled.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 13
Kudos: 74





	i never promised you a rose garden

**Author's Note:**

> my take on what followed tuesday's episode..  
> title from lynn anderson's 'rose garden'

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Ben never wants to hear Callum say those words again. He’ll never forgive himself for the look on Callum’s face, the pain behind his eyes as he finally unravelled. White noise masking Callum’s cries of “What about me?” Ben has never such guilt in his chest. Here’s this unbelievably sweet, gentle, and kind-hearted man standing in front of him broken. Ben knows he did that, because he can’t face up to the fact that everything’s changed, that he’s changed, maybe irreplaceably.

To think that he could be stuck in this state for the rest of his life terrifies him. But to have to do it without Callum? He couldn’t.

It all blurs together now, the only thing he remembers clearly from their fight being the panic that flooded his entire body when Callum turned to leave. To leave Ben behind. If he had to get on his knees and beg Callum to stay he would have, but instead he crumbled. All the fear, anxiety, and guilt of what he’d put everyone through the last few weeks hit him with a force all at once. The ringing in his ears seemed to amplify and he couldn’t take it anymore. He just wanted it all to _stop_.

And it’s Callum, Callum who he’d almost managed to completely push to the edge, who’s there to catch him when he’s about to fall apart. Ben clings to him, worried that if he lets go for even a second that Callum will come to his senses and walk out the door.

But, he doesn’t. He stays, his hands covering Ben’s ears to try and dull the ache. Even when his own heart is aching, he comforts Ben and tries to take away the hurt. Ben knows he doesn’t deserve him, never truly believed that he did, but for as long as Callum will stay, Ben will stay holding on.

-

The guilt eats away at him in bed that night, his nails bitten down to nothing as his brain works at a mile a minute. Next to him, Callum’s fallen sleep, one leg thrown over Ben’s beneath the duvet. Even after everything, he still wants the comfort of the touch of Ben’s skin against his own before he can drift off. It makes hope blossom in Ben’s chest, makes him thinks that maybe they can survive this.

He _knows_ they can, because he loves Callum and a love like theirs is worth fighting for. Even if it hurts along the way. 

They’d tried to talk once Ben had calmed down, but they were both mentally and physically exhausted from the weight of everything that had happened, not just that day but since the kidnapping. Nothing has been the same since, the heavy weight of what they’ve experienced weighing them down more and more with every day that’s passed since Callum was found. Even when they tried to push it down and act like it wasn’t there, it reared it’s ugly head as they tried to move on with life.

Instead, Callum had taken him by the hand and led them up the stairs to Ben’s room, shoulders slumped and footsteps heavy with every stair. Ben followed silently, not wanting to risk saying the wrong thing and Callum leaving.

Callum didn’t say anything once they reached the bedroom, just rooted around in the drawers until he found some clothes that Ben had taken from him and motioned for Ben to do the same. Ben felt like he was in a trance, but he changed into a pair of pyjama pants and an old t-shirts of Callum’s without saying a word. When he turned back to face the bed, Callum was already laying down with the duvet pulled back for Ben to climb in beside him, exhaustion clear on his face. When Ben had climbed in beside him, he just let him settle into his side and held him close, laying in the silence until he caved into the exhaustion and let sleep take him.

Now, Ben shifts around in the bed until he’s lying on his side facing Callum, eyes mapping out his face, burning it into his memory in case Callum wakes in the morning and decides he can’t do it anymore. The thought makes Ben’s eyes burn with tears, and he has to swallow back a lump in his throat. He feels an overwhelming need to touch Callum then and reaches out his hand, running his fingers featherlight across Callum’s cheek, down to his jaw, to his lips, feeling the little puffs of air Callum is breathing out as he sleeps. He’s breathtakingly beautiful, Ben’s not sure how he got so lucky as to have someone like Callum fall in love with someone like him. But he does know that for as long as Callum wants him, Ben will be there.

He’s not sure what he did in a past life to deserve someone like Callum Highway, but one thing he’s sure of is that he will never again take it for granted. To love and to be loved by Callum, it’s almost indescribable, but if Ben was to try, he’d say it’s like the first day of sunshine after a long winter. Warm, and bright, and filling his heart with more happiness and love than he ever believed himself capable of.

He’s tracing the arch of Callum’s eyebrow when he moves under Ben’s touch, eyes flickering open slowly. It’s dark in the bedroom, a slit in the curtains just wide enough to cast a faint glow over them. “What’re you doing?” Callum whispers into the space between them, Ben’s eyes downcast and focused on reading his lips. He doesn’t want to risk mishearing anything, especially not now.

“Sorry” Ben tries to keep his voice as quiet as he can, still trying to figure out how to match volume to his voice without being able to hear himself, “I couldn’t sleep..didn’t mean to wake you.” He shifts a little uncomfortably beside Callum, not knowing what to say to his boyfriend after everything that had happened. He’s pulling his hand away from Callum’s face when Callum meets him halfway, links their fingers together and lets their hands drop into the space between them on the bed. It makes Ben’s stomach flutter when he looks down at them, fingers interlocked, almost like an unsaid promise.

Callum waits for Ben to look up at him again before he speaks, doesn’t want to have to take out his phone and type it out. It would feel wrong somehow, like it would ruin whatever bubble they’re in right now. “I’m not going to apologise for what I said earlier, but I don’t want to give up on us Ben.” His words are slow and deliberate, wanting Ben to understand everything he’s saying. To understand that he’s not going anywhere, but also that they can’t go on like they’ve been trying to. It’s not working, and it’s hurting them both. He knows if they carry on like this that in the end it’ll ruin them, and the thought kills him.

Ben pushes his lips together, desperate to hold himself together for this. “I don’t want you to. I’m sorry for everything.. I just didn’t want to face up to the idea that I could be like this forever.” His voice starts to shake towards the end and has to take a second, glances up at the ceiling and blinks back the tears gathering at his lashes. He clears his throat and shakily continues on, Callum never once looking away from him, “But I know that I can’t hide from it anymore, and I don’t want to do this without you Callum.” He’s crying now, can’t stop the tears once they start falling down his cheeks.

“You’re not gonna have to, I ain’t letting you do any of this on your own.” Callum gives him a shaky smile, his own eyes wet with unshed tears as he brushes away Ben’s from his cheek. They lay like that together until they start to drift off, a comfortable silence blanketing the room, their limbs tangled together again, close in a way that they haven’t been in too long.

They’re not fixed, nowhere near it, but it makes it a little easier to breathe knowing they’re going to work through it together.

“Love comforeth like sunshine after rain” – William Shakespeare

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed :)  
> come find me on tumblr @halfwayinit  
> let me know what you thought! X


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